Brutomax! 4: Why Are We Still Doing This?

Written by Kobi LaCroix

Normal Announcer: Do you frequently feel fatigued, confused, suicidally depressed? Do women respond to your sexual advances with derisive giggling? Do you live in Cleveland? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then Brutomax! is the drink for you! Here to tell you more is that abusive shouting guy!

Shouting Guy: I'm a PRETTY PONY! Look at my BOOBS!

It's the future! *badly done whooshing sound* Reality as you know it has just been canceled! So quit drinking the old fashioned way and embrace the nowness of soon with a BODY-ABOLISHING Brutomax! enema! One of the many benefits you'll enjoy by becoming a member of the Brutomax! Empire!

Join today and try our exclusive members-only product: Brutomax! MACHO-SUPER-DYNA-MEGA-ULTRA-TURBO-POWER-NITRO-ELECTRO-X-NUCLEAR BLASTSPLOSION! With that many prefixes, it's gotta be good! And by good, we mean loaded with illegal drugs! And by illegal, we mean REALLY FUCKIN' GOOD!

Anyone can become a member of the Brutomax! Empire! All you need is a penis, 50 bucks, and a juvenile sense of humor!
Little Voice: Hehehehe, boobies!

Shouting Guy: To get your free membership card, simply send a self-addressed postcard to the MAN STANDING RIGHT BEHIND YOU! *scream*

The Brutomax! Empire! It's huge and powerful! JUST LIKE GOD! And it doesn't exist! JUST LIKE GOD!

Brutomax! isn't just for men anymore! 'Cause now we've got new new formulas for WOMEN! KIDS! And ANIMALS! Feed your cat Brutomax! and watch him SINGLEHANDEDLY WIN THE WORLD SERIES by PEEING ON DEREK JETER!

How is this possible? Don't ask! It took US Government scientists 20 years and a bajillion dollars just to figure out how to keep it in a can.

Drink Brutomax!, and put the H in EXTREME! Tell proper spelling and grammar to go fuck theyselves!

Brutomax! goes with any meal, breakfast, lunch, or dinner. And all the meals in between, like brunch, linner, and dickfast!

Drinking Brutomax! is like running through a forest, only all the trees are shooting at you with uzis, and all you have for protection is a pencil and a tin of Altoids, which is kind of like living in Australia, which we shouldn't have to explain if you've ever been there.

Time travel! You'll do that shit, too! Drink Brutomax! and go back in time to right before you drank it, so you can tell yourself to drink MORE! And keep going back in time to the beginning of the universe and rewrite the Bible as 900 pages of DICK JOKES!

Brutomax! will give you energy you need to verb any noun more adverbally! Eat faster, poop harder, run louder, jump bluer, FUCK TOASTER! Hear the voice of PATRICK STEWART constantly giving you INAPPROPRIATE SUGGESTIONS!

Not Patrick Stewart: Fill your nostrils with ham salad and sneeze on Barbara Walters. Say it's for medical research.

Shouting Guy: Brutomax! It's like that face I saw in the window one time at 3 in the morning that freaked me out so bad I went into convulsions and shit myself. I don't know WHY I SAID THAT!

Still not convinced of the awesome power of Brutomax!? Then listen to this celebrity testimonial from legendary Queen guitarist Brian May!
Not Brian May: I think this is an atrocious product, and I want nothing to do with it.
Shouting Guy: Aww, what the fuck does he know?
Not Brian May: I'm a bleedin' astrophysicist!
Shouting Guy: Shut up, you haven't done anything decent since Flash Gordon! Now let's hear from some people who actually have tried Brutomax!

Random Man #1: When I first heard about Brutomax!, I was skeptical. But when I woke up one morning in a bed made out of pizza, surrounded by Penthouse models, and wearing 20 Olympic gold medals around my neck, I was a believer.

Austin: I drink so much Brutomax! that every night I black out in a blind rage and wake up in the morning on top of a jet airplane in mid-flight while chewing on what I can only assume to be John C. McGinley's partially bloodied left ear lobe, it's awesome.

Trav: It's me, Trav, from the TravCast, and I'm now in the Brutomax! Empire! I drink it before gaming to become STUPIDLY ENERGETIC. So I can swing my sac around mightily…and I'm not talking about the one with the dice in it, either!

Person #2: I haven't slept in 44 years! And I'm only 39!

Max: I used Brutomax! to water my begonias for three months. They won first prize at the State Fair! Then they ate all the judges.

Sinstress: In my experience, the vaginal wolves make the sex a lot more interesting, even if I do have to clean out the occasional moose carcass.


Shouting Guy: Brutomax! is not sold in stores! We tried; it started RAPING all the other drinks. Sunny Delight was curled up in the corner CRYING LIKE A LITTLE BITCH! And you don't even want to know what happened to Mountain Dew!

Normal Announcer: WARNING: Do not substitute Brutomax! for water in your coffee maker, as the resulting crater may significantly reduce your home's property value. Brutomax! contains no nutritional value and may lead to a medical condition known as "being all fucked up inside". Consider yourself warned.

Shouting Guy: Play 'em off, Patrick!

Not Patrick Stewart: I'm a pretty pony. Look at my boobs.

Sinstress: Hey do any of you guys have a pooper scooper? 'Cause I kinda got know, I'd rather just not talk about it..........yeah.

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