Resolutions

Music by Jacques Offenbach, Lyrics by Kobi LaCroix

New Year's Eve is coming back
Gone around the zodiac
Raise a beer for one more year without a fatal heart attack

There's no time for pessimists
So make your resolution list
Knowing you'll most likely break them all by January fifth

Resolutions!
Every year the same charade
Resolutions!
These are some that I have made

Build a robot servant girl
Invade and conquer Disney World
Overcome my meth addiction and my rabid lust for squirrels

Stumble upon a cancer cure
Appear on Ninja Warrior
Start a business that produces chocolate office furniture

Resolutions!
Learn to play the clarinet
Resolutions!
Keep a sandwich as a pet

Beat a five-year-old at chess
Play rugby in a wedding dress
Press the big red button that they say I'm not allowed to press

Organize my music files
Buy some art from TV's Kyle
Buy some Zubaz in the naive hope that they come back in style

Resolutions!
Trade my arms for tentacles
Resolutions!
How is that not sensible?

Fix the world economy
Write some haiku poetry
Have a plastic surgeon realign my nipples vertically

Sell my soul to Lucifer
For twelve White Castle hamburgers
Become the Queen of Jupiter, this song is getting stupider

Resolutions!
Wear a giant purple pimp hat
Resolutions!
Translate Tolstoy into lolcat

Lead the NFL in sacks
Drink a case of BRUTOMAX!
Learn to breathe alfredo sauce and teach the violin to yaks

Mow my friends' and neighbors' lawns
Get my favorite t-shirt bronzed
Sneak into the Vatican and give the Pope a purple nurple!

Resolutions!
I should look at dieting
Resolutions!
And not eat while I'm trying to sing

Donate to a noble cause
Get a healthy liquor buzz
Find out what this button does

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