We Are the Vikings

Music and Lyrics by Kobi LaCroix

In the vast and frozen country of the free and the brave
Where the women smell of moose fat, and the men never shave
Where swinging battle axes are what cause the wind to blow
And a quick defenestration is just how we say hello
We warriors of virtue, battle hardened and austere
Humiliate all challengers with punishments severe
We'll chop you up and use your tongue to scrub our cattle stalls
We're needlessly sadistic brutes, or so we have been called

We are the Vikings!
We plunder and we pillage to our liking
We're coming to your town, so spread the news
We live to fight and never lose
We only use name brand shampoos
Vikings for the win!

With tools of steel we forge in molten hot volcanic rock
We make orthopedic footwear and repair cuckoo clocks
Our summers are a balmy minus ninety nine degrees
When we swagger through the woods, our nipples knock down all the trees
We're veterans of the theater; we put on quite a show
We've added gory battle scenes to Waiting for Godot
And the men whose lives we spare know well our generosity
Our swords provide free gender reassignment surgery

We are the Vikings!
Sometimes we put on dresses and go hiking
Our opponents we shall frighten and beguile
With our uncanny sense of style
We love ballet and Oscar Wilde
Vikings for the win!

One thousand and one million years ago, Fenris the terrible wolf god–and I mean terrible as in huge and frightening, not terrible as in he's not good at anything. I mean, he's good at being huge and frighten–

Surly Vikings: GET ON WITH IT!!!

Kobi: Okay, well he drank from the boiling hot spring of Bockfjorden, and then proceeded to urinate in the sacred white snows of Svalbard. From those golden snow crystals emerged the warriors we know today as the–

Music abruptly stops

Hey, what's going on here?

Kobi receives a note. He unfolds it.

"Dear sir, quit screwing around with our legends, or else face repercussions." Repercussions? What do they mean by reper–

Sound of swords being drawn

…Oh. Oookay, let's just skip to the third verse, then.

On a standard Friday evening, when there isn't much to do
We put on some Marvin Gaye and do it dressed as caribou
Then we all have appletinis and we braid each other's hair
It's an ancient, proud tradition, like our sexy underwear

We are the Vikings!
The punch at all your parties we'll be spiking
We are a mighty army to be feared
Though we may dress a little weird
And may have lipstick on our beards
We are the Vikings!
We wrestle in the nude, it looks quite striking
Through history our blades will rend and carve
We feast and leave the weak to starve
I've got a man-crush on Brett Favre
Vikings for the win!
Vikings for the win!
Rar ee vaw durr durr!
Foor dee schkueur dee dee!
Ard dee barr da–

Music abruptly stops again

…Aww.

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